Up until now, Cody and I have used this space almost exclusively to keep more distant family and friends apprised of our daughter Bowie’s first year of life. While we will continue to do that, I also want to begin writing other entries. Personal discoveries, projects, things to share with other new parents… “bloggier” things, I guess. Here’s why…

New motherhood is often described as isolating, and compounded with that is the unique position I find myself in: a “hard reset.” I disconnected from most of what comprised my sense of self shortly before becoming a mom. I became a caregiver for my grandmother four years ago. Family caregiving for an elderly person with dementia can be isolating for anyone, arguably more so for anyone in their 20s as there aren’t as many of us doing it. Witnessing dementia’s attack on my grandmother’s independence and memories rendered the context of my musical endeavors suddenly trivial while staples and landmarks of being a 20-something became both vapid and unattainably foreign. I stopped knowing how to relate to the people around me when I tried to “go out and be normal.” When I stepped away from caregiving in our second trimester, I felt lost. Social anxiety be damned, I tried reconnecting with old friends and making new ones, but my days had been heavy with mortality and decay for so long. Connecting with anyone who didn’t understand I had all but collapsed under that weight seemed like an insurmountable challenge.

Among other things, giving birth gave me an explosive, growing bundle of endorphins. I love Bowie more than I’ve ever loved anything, and being her mom is the highlight of my life so far. Because my table was cleared off for her entry, I feel fortunate to be able to rebuild my life around her. Detached from the usual social norms that can make motherhood seem overwhelming, I have literally no outside obligation to anything or anyone else – no career momentum to maintain and no one to watch enviously as they continue living a life I used to. Though (as I’ve mentioned before) I was never “driven” to become a mom, it’s the first time since my days with Visqueen that I have felt “in place.”

That said, I’m still not sure how to connect with other people anymore. It’s been a while. But for Bowie’s sake, I know I should start trying again. So I’m writing here in the hopes that if I am open, my new people will find me. (Or my old ones, if you’re out there wondering what happened to me.) Writing has always been how I process things, so maybe I’ll be learning myself right along with you. We can grow weird together. Like in middle school. Or something.

Speaking of weird, my other motivation here is to make a place for the moms and moms-to-be who may feel weird to feel reassured. While pregnant, I had no idea what kind of mom I would be. I prepared myself for birth, but I think in regard to actual motherhood, I just assumed that you do what everyone else does… Diapers, cribs, bottles, complain about lacking sleep, etc. However, our birthing experience taught me to hear and obey my instincts. Once Bowie got here, many of those assumptions didn’t feel like the best fit for us. Most Pinterest lists of “must-have baby gear” and “tips for your first weeks with a newborn” swiftly became absurd at best and disempowering at worst (except for the thing about aloe and witch hazel pads, which were awesome). While I don’t think there’s anything wrong with many of the modern niceties made to make parenting more convenient, a lot of them counter my own instincts. I’m reminded regularly that I’m not the mom The Bump and BabyCenter seem to think we all are, but I know I’m not the only one like me. I hope that I can be a supporter of other instinct-driven parents whose inner voice steers them a little bit away from the presumed course.